Welcome to the home of Papa Smurf
Blonde
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guys wife " Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He made his own lunch."Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette,
and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn
where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up,
they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for
camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The
sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.
When he got
up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back,
"Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked
the
first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the
deputy
told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so
the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound
at
all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss,
concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I
got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go
home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to
relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here.
I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The
boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need
anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He
looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!
He
rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna
be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.
She
told me that HER mom died too!!"
How a blonde prints her email!!!
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank."Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINAL EXAM
The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minute she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car, when she was pulled over by a woman cop who also happened to be a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through her purse and got progressively agitated. "What does it look like?" she huffed. The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the cop. "Here it is," she said. The blonde cop looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you". He said, "F**k him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde asks, "Don't you have a vase?"
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.
They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large
table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in
with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the
others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The
bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed
child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes,
"What's all the hooting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that
puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"