Welcome to the home of Papa Smurf
Battle of the Sexes
There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.Nearly every morning he told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.
She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he would "fart out his guts" one day. Each day, she told him this same thing.
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course, the turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up and replaced the covers and tiptoed down-stairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said "Honey, you were right--all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always did tell me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!!"
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets
an outfit. "This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this
on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs,
opens the
box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't
even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for
a refund
and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the
top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
this
year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use "la" or "le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
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COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are
pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light
a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider . it
gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see
right through them.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on the back of your shirt?" "Texas A&M," he yelled back.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. Why is it difficult to find men who are s ensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. Man said to god: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God said: "So you would love her." "But God," the man said, "why did you make her so dumb?" And God said: "So she would love you."
MEN ARE LIKE.... Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
